I have a project that I would like to complete, but I am fighting to get over one last hurdle. But the hurdle isn’t one of the normal hurdles you hear about in development work. The government isn’t blocking my visa or application. I don’t need to bribe anyone. Everyone around me supports the idea. The only thing stopping me is… me.
Never before have I encountered such a complete lack of self motivation. But I am finding more and more that its not a general lack (which is relieving), it’s just a lack of motivation to complete a specific project. The project is to create a series of packets that allow for at least a minimal level of self guided instruction on learning the basics of a computer. They would include pictures and diagrams and would potentially even be translated into kiswahili. I have in fact actually ranked them with my highest personal priority for completion. Yet I cannot bring myself to write them.
At first (a few weeks ago) I was worried that it was a complete lack of self motivation, but since then I have been able to complete a few projects. Admittedly some other projects, mostly my NYS Daily News Grabber, have fallen by the wayside, but that is more from other lackings, such as internet and an internal server (which should be fixed soon). Again, this is a bit of a relief because at least I can get some work done. But why not these packets.
Am I afraid that such work is below me? That would be terrible to me. I don’t think that I am above helping at the basics. I admit, I don’t like it much, but there is a real necessity for these packets and I would like to think that it would overcome any sense of superiority. Is it that the task seems daunting? That might be part of it. If you take at a a look at the ICDL packets, it’s a lot of information packed in there.
I think part of it is that I don’t know what to make. If I make an intro course only, then those people wanting deep knowledge get left out. Also, I don’t really know a lot of the information. My knowledge of Excel and Access is extremely limited. I just never had to use them. But here, there are four students who want to know everything about everything, even if they never use the information. It’s all because they have seen the certificate courses and they think they can get certificates if I teach them and then they go and pass the test. Except, I actaully don’t have a syllabus for teaching the certificate level coures nor doe I have the vast resources and examples that Polytechnics have, hence the need to make the packets in the first place.
I am just frustrated, because, gah, I don’t know why. It seems like such an easy request to fulfill: “Teach me Word.” Ok, I can do that. But apparently I cannot teach enough Word, and nobody actually has any need to learn word yet so they don’t come with a desire to create their own content. I am just stumped. And then I fail at teaching something that seems natural to me, but is completely befuddling to my student, like Highlighting or text cursor placement. As I think about it more and more, I am overwhelmed. I think I lack the motivation out of fear of missing something, of forgetting to insert a step. It’s all so complicated, and my students need it all written out explicitly that I am just overwhelmed. Not a happy feeling.
I think I answered my own question. I lack the self motivation to complete these lessons because I myself am overwhelmed at the complexity of the tasks involved. Not a happy notiong at all